Rating: PG
Summary: "Europe" has more than one meaning.
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"Well, screw this town, then. Screw this devil's funhouse, Angel. And screw you for good measure. I think I'll take the new flesh and bones across the pond back to Europe."
I don't know what to say. No, I do know what to say, but I don’t know how to say it.
I can’t figure out a way to tell him to stay.
I can't do anything but stand there and watch him walk out of my life. There are two things I do best when it comes to a relationship: do nothing or run away. I've done both when it comes to Spike.
Maybe that's why he wants to go to another continent. Wait…Europe. He wants to go back to Buffy.
That in itself doesn’t surprise me, he did die for her. I mean, he’ll probably say he did it to save the world, but he did it for it.
What surprises me is the fact that Buffy wasn't the first thought in my mind when I heard "Europe".
The word Europe fails to conjure images of Buffy, living a slayer-duty-free life, all I can remember are the days when I had Will by my side.
"Spike, by town, I mean this entire plane of existence."
Thank god for Eve. Never have thought her annoying voice would sound like heavenly melody one day.
"You won't solve this disequilibrium by leaving."
Yes, Spike. Don't leave. Stay.
Stay for me.
Stay with me.
"You might even make it worse." Eve says as Gunn walks out the elevator.
"Let's not make it worse. We don't want worse. I just went to the white room to see what the big cat had to say." Gunn loosens his tie. That can't be a good sign. Ever since he got the brain upgrade, Gunn has been dressing in impeccable suits and plays the role of the tough lawyer like pro. Definitely not good if he's throwing away the image.
"And?" There's something wrong with my throat; I can't seem to speak properly. Must be something Harmony put in my blood.
I tune out Gunn and Eve's conversation and stare at Spike, hoping he can feel the desperation I can't seem to voice in my gaze.
Step away from the elevator, Spike.
Walk toward me, my boy.
Please, stay. Please, please please stay, Will.
I may not act like I want him here, but I need him here. He makes Wolfram and Hart less spacious and more like home. Being able to go into any room in the building, Spike explored the building when he was intangible. I remember him barging into my room one night, exclaiming about a torture chamber next to the underground parking garage.
He always manages to find something exciting in his life, even though he has probably seen it all. It’s the fact that he shares those excitements with me that makes each day at Wolfram and Hart worthwhile. Cordelia used to do the same, bringing her bright, sarcastic but nonetheless optimistic attitude into my life.
She made me feel special, like her own personal hero even though she never intended for me to feel that way. She was like the sun I can never touch, radiant and warm and scalding to my skin.
Spike is completely different. I’m not “the dark avenger” around him not some idealistic image that holds no real value. With him, I’m just me. There’s no need to hide my faults for he knows them all. Spike and Cordy do share something in common though; they are both so full of energy and love for life. The only difference is that Spike is the light that I can hold without fear of flames.
And now he’s leaving, or he will leave unless I say something. Anything.
“Spike...stay.” He turns and glances at me, confusion coloring his brilliant blue eyes, silently asking for an explanation. “Please. Europe'll still be there after we've worked this out.”
Before he can reply, Gunn cuts in with a doubtful “Maybe” and I hurry to reassure Spike before he turns around and steps into the elevator.
“Probably.” I know he’s doubtful of my word, even though it hurts, but he should be, given our history together.
My “Europe” has different meaning than his. His Europe has Buffy while mine has us – me and him together. Buffy may not be there when this whole mess is over, but I will and most likely so will Europe.
Our Europe.
I’m not sure if he understood and chose me – chose us – or he simply assumes this disequilibrium will be solved in no time. I can’t tell if he knows that I need him, that he still makes me smile at the most inopportune times, that I look forward to board meetings knowing he and his sarcastic comments will be there, that he brightens up my day and makes me feel warmer than the rays of sunshine which has been denied to me for centuries. I don’t know if he knows that I still love him.
But it doesn’t matter anymore.
Because he stays.
END